


wandering the desert

by crumpled_up



Series: July 2020 Camp NaNoWriMo of May/Coulson fics [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Gen, Melinda May Feels, july 2020 camp nanowrimo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:08:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25030669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crumpled_up/pseuds/crumpled_up
Summary: May's thoughts on being emotionless with a little input from Daisy.
Relationships: Melinda May & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Phil Coulson/Melinda May
Series: July 2020 Camp NaNoWriMo of May/Coulson fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1812664
Comments: 8
Kudos: 72





	wandering the desert

**Author's Note:**

> Part of the July 2020 Camp NaNoWriMo challenge that I'm determined to finish and complete this month.
> 
> I wanted to get this written and posted before tonight's 7x05 ep, but life happened. So consider this before ep 5 aired.

It's interesting.

This lack of emotions. May never quite understood how much emotions played into everything until now. The rush of flying. The adrenaline of fighting and wanting to best the opponent. The nerves before starting a mission. The relief when the mission is complete.

Everything is just... blank.

She knows about all the jokes people say about how she's emotionless, how she's like a robot. That was never case. She mastered control over her emotions so she could be as deadly as she is. Sometimes, her emotions got the better of her, and she wished for nothing more than to have them ripped away so she wouldn't feel the pain of heartache, or despair, or guilt, or regret.

Be careful what you wish for.

Right now, what she wouldn't give to feel a spark of _something_. Anything. Contact high from touching drunk people was fleeting. Actually, everything was fleeting. Hell, she couldn't even get irritated or annoyed at Deke or Coulson. It felt like being drugged to the max but without the drowsiness or the high. Anything that would have an emotionally triggered response never fired.

She felt... empty.

Like a fucking robot. 

May scoffed. Even LMD Coulson had more of a personality and an emotional response than she did. A fucking robot could feel more than her. Even if she couldn't feel his emotions, he certainly responded enough to pass as human. Not even Sousa has figured it out yet. 

It's bullshit, honestly.

Who knew emotions tied into everything, into every action, reaction, decision she ever made in her life? Now in order to feel, she has to touch an actual human just to feed off of their emotions. Like some kind of emotional leech junkie.

Oh shit.

May closed her eyes and leaned back against the pilot's chair. Shit. Goddamnit.

Katya.

The girl. Bahrain. Emotional leech. Powers. Inhumans.

Of course this would be her curse. Of course everything comes back full circle. Of course May would get a similar 'power' as one of the biggest turning moments in her life. If she were normal, she would laugh at the absurdity of it all. She should be horrified, disgusted, terrified that she would become the monster that has haunted her for years.

But she feels nothing. Except now she can't get the thought out of her head.

If May could jump off the Zephyr while jumping through time so she could disintegrate, she would. Except maybe this was her ultimate penance for all of the sins she committed. Now she really could walk in Katya's shoes and see how it felt. Except May would feel more than pain. Even that would be welcome these days.

She looks down at her hands, clenching them into fists. These hands have done everything from healing to killing. Now those simple actions mean she leeches emotions from other people. Always taking, never giving.

"May?"

She looks up and finds Daisy hovering in the doorway to the cockpit with a shaky smile on her face. "Yeah?"

"Can I join you? I just need a minute of quiet."

May nods.

Daisy settles into the co-pilot's chair and leans back with a sigh. "Man, these seats are way more comfy than any others on Z1."

"Gotta be comfortable when flying."

Daisy grins. "So that's why you like sitting up here." She pulls her knees up to her chest and rests her check on them as she looks over at May. "I know you can't really tell me how you're feeling, but how are you anyway? I mean I know you can still think and stuff, just... not feel anything."

"I'm... okay, I guess. I don't feel any different than I did when I first woke up from the healing chamber."

"Well, that's good, I guess. But what about everything else? I mean you've gotta be thinking about... you know, Coulson?"

"He's still dead as far as I know."

"Yes, the real one is, but what about this one?"

"He's a robot. I don't feel anything off of him."

"But he acts just like the real one, right? It's kinda weird and creepy, yet oddly familiar at the same time."

May shrugs. Phil Coulson is still dead and will forever be dead, no matter how many versions of him come back. _Her_ Coulson will never live and breathe and feel real to her again.

Daisy sighs. "What are you thinking about?"

May pauses, then looks at Daisy. She considers reaching out, but holds back because that's being even more selfish. "That I'm a monster," she says quietly.

"What? No!" This time, Daisy reaches out to touch May's hand and concern and worry flow into her, all intertwined with the warmth of love that Daisy always radiates. "You're not a monster because you don't have feelings, May. I don't care what anyone else says."

No, May wants to scream, I am! Get away from me! Don't touch me! But she can't move under the weight of Daisy's pure and undying love. As much as May hates to admit it, Daisy's feelings are such a breath of fresh air after wandering the desert of emotionless planes for centuries.

"You're not a monster," Daisy repeats. "You've just got a different set of powers."

May flinches and pulls away from Daisy.

"May?" Her hand hovers over May's shoulder. "Did I...?"

"Sorry. No, you didn't hurt me or do anything wrong. I just..."

"You don't see this as a power, do you? More like a curse?" Daisy says, pulling back but turning to face May directly. "When I was transitioning, you were the only one who wasn't afraid of me and my newfound powers. You helped me as best as you could at that time, even without knowing much about Inhuman powers. I will never forget that. So, you're not a monster, May. You just have something a little different than everyone else."

"That's... not it. It's..." May trails off as she double and triple checks that autopilot is on. "Katya. The girl from Bahrain. She... she had similar powers."

Daisy gasps and reaches out, but stops and hovers over May's shoulder. "You never really talk about that time."

"Because there isn't much to talk about. Everyone knows what happened back then."

"You aren't like her, May. You're not. She used her powers for evil, for her own benefit and gain. I know you won't do that."

Daisy reaches out and places her hand on May's shoulder and the force of absolute conviction flows into her.

"Then how do I use my so-called powers? I don't see a way that would be useful."

Daisy chuckles. "Well, I guess you can be the human lie detector? I don't know."

"Hmm." There could be something to that. She already was pretty good at telling when people were lying to her, but sometimes, it would be nice to get the actual confirmation. At least when it comes to actual human beings. Robots like Coulson on the other hand... well, that would be harder.

"We'll figure it out, May," Daisy says, and that feeling of absolute conviction and hope becomes stronger. Almost how Coulson used to be when they were put into yet another dire situation on a mission. "We always do, right?"

May nods. "Yeah, we do."

Daisy smiles and squeezes May's shoulder. "I'm gonna try and get a nap in before we jump. Don't stay up too late."

May closes her eyes as she leans back into her seat. The remnants of Daisy's optimism and hope still lingers, coursing steadily through her veins until they slowly disappear. Maybe there is something to being a human lie detector. Maybe in the absence of feelings, there could be some usefulness. Maybe it would give her a reason to keep going while she continues to wander through the emotionless desert.


End file.
